It’s a well known fact that while an older child might ask for a new baby sibling, and be initially thrilled at the impending arrival, sometimes that excitement can become replaced with anxiety, hostility and regression. Helping older kids to feel secure in their role in the family dynamic can make the new arrival smoother.
Consider the Age Gap
When helping to prepare an older child for the arrival of a new little brother or sister, it helps to take into consideration how old the child is, and tailor expectations to fit his needs. While the most common age gap in Western culture is 2 to 4 years, according to Dr. Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D., this is the age at which children are just coming to terms with feelings of being separated from their parents, and therefore the reason that this age group is the most likely to see some signs of regression. Pants wetting, thumb sucking and other previously retired behaviors may temporarily return after the birth of a new sibling.
Very young children may adjust quicker, but can be more demanding on parent’s time and resources, while older children may have both a larger grasp on the situation and more confusion about their new role in the family. Taking care to point out to the older child the things that they are able to do, that the baby cannot, can often be helpful in stopping signs of regression in children older than 4 years. Regression in younger children is usually best ignored, as it can just as quickly vanish on its own, as the child takes another developmental leap forward, and calling attention to the regression can prolong the problem.
Include the Older Child as Much as Possible
The older child will be trying to make sense of her new role in the family, particularly if the child had been the youngest, or an only child previous to the new arrival. Younger children may also be wondering if this baby is here to replace them, particularly if hand-me-downs of cribs, clothes and toys are being shared.
Including the older child in planning for the new addition can go a long way toward making the child feel more secure in their role in the family. Young children especially enjoy helping and pleasing their parents. Ask the child for his opinion in choosing new bedding and nursery materials. Or, ask an older child for a list of names for the parents to consider for the new sibling. This does not mean that parents need to take the suggestions of their child, but seriously considering their child’s opinions can help validate his feelings, and help him feel more secure in his role in the family.
Once the new baby has arrived, assign tasks for the child that can help him to feel included. This can be as easy as figuring out what toys the new baby likes best, or what makes the new baby laugh. Don’t turn the older child into a slave to the younger one by only paying attention to ask for a chore, but take advantage of the child’s natural affinity to help.
Spend One on One Time
Both before and after the new baby arrives, make a point of spending extra time with the older child. Point out things that the new baby cannot do yet, that the older child can. The new baby can’t go to the movies, because she would cry the whole time, but the older child can. Babies can’t take Mommy and Me swimming classes, or play at the Children’s Museum just yet, either.
This can help the older child to feel that he is still valued and loved for who he is. Children experiencing a lot of regressive tendencies may also feel more secure being an older child when they realize all the things that babies can’t do.
The more steps that parents take to smooth the way, the easier the transition will be. Older children will be looking to their parents and elders for clues on how to behave, and to help them figure out their new role as big brother or big sister. Be patient, and understand that it may take several weeks before older children truly begin to accept both their new baby sibling and their place in the family as well. With time, older children will hardly remember what it was like before their new little sister or brother was around, and they won’t want it any other way.
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