Becoming A Parent Changes Relationship with Mom
Motherhood Re-Defines Mother and Daughter Dynamics
When a woman becomes a mother she may feel a renewed sense of dependence on her own mother. She might begin to view life, perhaps for the very first time, through her parent's perspective, to feel more empathy and a stronger connection towards her. Some first time mothers however, create emotional distance during pregnancy or after the baby is born to protect themselves from what they feel could be their mother's "toxic" influence.
However the transition changes the mother-daughter dynamic, the shift inevitably brings new layers into the relationship. “Your relationship with your own mother comes up for review as you develop your own identity as a mother," says Dr. Gayle Peterson, a family therapist specializing in prenatal and family development. [An Easier Childbirth: A Mother's Guide to Birthing Normally, Shadow and Light Publications; August 2008]
When Daughters Become Mothers: Creating Relationship Boundaries
Becoming a parent forces women to re-define their relationships with the most important people in their lives their spouse, friends and parents. This is a time of enormous self-reflection and discovery for new mothers, and one that isn't necessarily easy or clear cut. Once a woman becomes responsible for another human being 24 hours a day and the associated stresses of care giving mount, clearly communicating her changing expectations, needs, and concerns becomes increasingly important.
As new issues surface, such as prenatal nutrition, labor and delivery decisions, breast or bottle, potty training, staying home or returning to the workforce, discipline styles, or who will host the annual family holiday dinner, women have the opportunity to establish boundaries with their own mothers.
While this process can be very difficult, establishing polite but clear “rules” with their mother (spouse, father and in-laws) often brings long term benefits for everyone in the family, including the children. Open and regular communication can keep existing tensions from escalating and power struggles from continuing to make family members resentful, angry or anxious. The process however, can become a catalyst for some mothers and daughters to uncover old wounds, reveal hidden emotions, or to even sever their relationship.
Empathy & Greater Appreciation for Parents
The intense and uniquely female experience of motherhood can be the tie that binds some daughters and mothers, or conversely, the cord that finally rips them apart. “This renewed and broadened understanding extends to a more complete conception of what it means to be a woman. Of femininity and of the full circle of identity that binds generations of women together,” suggests Susie Michelle Cortright, founder and publisher of the online magazine Momscape in her article, "Full Circle: The Evolution of Mother-Child Relationships," (Momscape.com, Accessed May 11, 2009).
Suggests Cortright, "Motherhood spawns a renewed sense of appreciation in women for their own parents. Most of us report a growing understanding, a greater sense of respect, more empathy for our parents."
My Mother, Myself
While some women begin to more closely identify with their mothers, new motherhood might be the first time some women forge their own completely separate identity, and one that might not fit with their mother's vision of them. Nancy Friday, author of the groundbreaking My Mother/My Self [Dell, September 15,1978] helped create a dramatic paradigm shift between mothers and daughters during the 1970’s.
Explains Friday, “A lot of women told me that it was liberating to realize they could act differently from mother and they wouldn't die. They could be themselves and mother still loved them. She didn't close the door and she didn't stop telephoning. But it can take generations to change the unconscious ways in which we think about ourselves.” (My Mother/My Self, Dell, 1978, pp.xv).
Mothers and daughters will likely always have a paradoxical relationship, strong, deep, connected yet volatile. Yet, as women become parents for the first time, they have the opportunity to renew, re-define or move on from their current relationship with their mother. In the process they create a positive legacy for their own children who will in turn carry on the gift their own mother gave them, learning to create healthy relationships.
Additional Resources:
Research Shows: Realistic Expectations Help Adjust To New Baby
Mothers & Daughters
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