How to Manage Sibling Rivalry
What Parents Can Do to Reduce Conflicts Between their Children
Nov 21, 2008
While jealousy and rivalry are very common between brothers and sisters, there is no reason why parents can’t work towards reducing such negative feelings. If all the children within a family feel and know they each have a special place at home, they will be able to positively influence one another, reducing negative competition between them considerably. Here are some useful approaches for parents to try.
Treat and Love all Children Fairly
Each child is different and unique, with his own temperament and personality. So it’s a little hard to love all children equally. However, parents can treat and love all of them fairly and differently. When there is fairness and kindness for all, children feel more secure and happy – positive feelings that will boost relationships between them.
Identify and Enhance each Child’s Strengths
No two children in the family will have the same sets of strengths and weaknesses. So parents should identify what each child is good at and encourage him to develop an interest in that area. Dr. Brent Waters and Liz Kennedy, authors of Every Kid [Doubleday Book, 2001], say that parents should encourage the children’s differences by stimulating their individual characteristics and interests. “For example, one may be gifted academically and another gifted artistically; one may be socially popular and the other a talented stamp collected,” they elaborate.
Avoid Making Comparisons between Children
Sibling resentment is guaranteed when there are too many comparisons between brothers and sisters. “Parents can’t enlist siblings to help each other if they pit the children against each other by making discriminating, insulting comparisons that ensure bitterness,” say Eleanor and Linda Siegel, authors of Keys to Disciplining your Young Child [Barron’s Educational Series, 1993].
Remarks such as “Jenny sits quietly. Why can’t you?” or “Why can’t you be as good as Timothy at reading?” are sure to cause ill feelings. Instead, try saying “Are you comfortable enough to sit quietly?” or “Lily, there might be some ways to make reading easier for you.” Note how the negativity disappears when words are put differently.
Recognize the Signs of a Fight
Parents who catch the signs of an impending fight between siblings can step in and be in control. Waters and Kennedy stress that if parents intervene only when the fight has started and peaked, they may lose their patience, become inconsistent and even over-react. Early warning signs of sibling fights include loud voices, name calling, crying, tattling, pushing, poking and hitting.
Early intervention also reduces bitterness and negative feelings between the siblings. When there are fewer fights, there are fewer nasty things said about each other and therefore fewer bad feelings and memories between them.
Hand Out Same Consequences for All Children Involved
Sometimes, parents do blame the wrong child when a fight occurs. When this happens, the wronged child may feel even more resentment and bitterness. To avoid that, dish out similar consequences for all the children in the fight. This also teaches children than no matter who starts the fight, all parties involved are partly responsible for continuing the fight.
Reward Children for Not Fighting
If children continue to squabble and fight, parents may need to provide some sort of incentive for not fighting. Children love rewards. And they will fight less if they know that their cooperation will benefit them all. Waters and Kennedy suggest that parents record the number of fights the children have in a week and then set up consistent consequences for fighting and rewards for not fighting. Before long, there will be more days without fights than with fights.
While temporary sibling rivalry is common and nothing to worry about, prolonged conflicts can cause long-term ill feelings and resentment between children. Parents can reduce the conflicts by treating the children fairly, recognizing each child’s strengths, refrain from comparing the children too much, intervening before a fight starts and rewarding children when they don’t fight.
Those who find this article useful may also like to read Strengthening Sibling Relationships.
