Positive Discipline Tips for Sibling Rivalry
Dealing With Competition and Fighting in Sibling Relationships
Aug 31, 2009
“Most parents inadvertently interfere in ways that increase competition and the need to fight,” write Nelsen, Lott and Glenn in the popular parenting book, Positive Discipline A–Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems [Three Rivers Press, 1999]. Many well-meaning parents aren’t aware of how they encourage more rivalry issues when they are dealing with competition among their children.
How Parents Encourage Sibling Rivalry
When siblings argue, parents often choose to side with one of the children. Parents often think it is their job to solve the problem and point out who is right and who is wrong. But in the long run, this parenting technique backfires and increases the competition in sibling relationships.
According to Positive Discipline A-Z, taking sides reinforces the reasons that siblings fight – children want parents to point blame at and punish another sibling. In trying to teach children about right and wrong, many parents are helping siblings get back at each other.
Understanding Sibling Rivalry
The Positive Discipline curriculum and parenting books are based on Alfred Adler’s theory that the primary goal of all people is to belong. Children first learn how to belong from making observations and decisions in their family. Some children decide that the way to belong is to keep other family members busy with them. Some children decide that the way to belong is to look like they are in charge, so they often boss other siblings around.
Some children may be hurt because of sibling issues and decide to hurt back. Getting parents to disapprove of siblings, blame siblings or punish siblings is a simple, but very effective way to hurt one’s brother or sister. When parents understand the dynamics behind the fights in sibling relationships, it’s easier for them to understand why new and different parenting techniques will help with competition issues in sibling relationships.
Parenting Techniques for Dealing With Competition
The Positive Discipline parenting books and curriculum recommend that parents “put siblings in the same boat” which means that during a sibling argument, parents do not take sides, but treat both children the same. In treating kids the same, parents should refrain from doling out punishments, but rather focus on both kids leaving the room to calm down, as well as allowing siblings to work out the problem later when both children are calm. An anger wheel for fighting siblings can help children choose how they want to calm down during an argument.
If a toy is the center of an argument, parents can remove the toy and tell children that they can have the toy back as soon as they have decided whose turn it is or who gets to play with it next. When trying any new parenting techniques, parents should realize that sibling behavior may get worse at first because children will possibly fight more or escalate fighting to try to get the parent to take sides like the parent used to do.
Parenting Techniques to Improve Sibling Relationships
“Find activities that stress group cooperation and teamwork,” suggests Positive Discipline A-Z. Often children don’t know the dynamics of cooperation because they haven’t had much experience with cooperative games or teamwork. Parents can lead kids in completing a family chore or project together and focus on activities that don’t involve competition.
“Give positive messages to every child so they know how special they are,” is another parenting technique offered in the Positive Discipline A-Z parenting book. It’s extremely helpful for parents to be specific. Instead of, “You’re such a good boy,” parents can focus on each child’s strength and try specific encouragement such as, “You’re good at making people laugh. You tell great jokes.”
Spending parent quality time with each child can also reduce jealousy among siblings. When parents give focused attention through regular parent quality time, a child’s need for sibling competition lessens. When children feel valued by their parents, they have fewer reasons to get their parents to punish or blame siblings.
More great ideas for dealing with competition and sibling rivalry issues are found in Positive Discipline A-Z, a dictionary style parenting book where parents can look up advice in by misbehavior. There’s a section on “Fighting Siblings” and “Sibling Rivalry” as well as other misbehavior topics such as “Fairness and Jealousy” and “Pouting, Complaining, and Other Negative Behaviors.”
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