Helping Children With Sibling Relationships
What Parents Can Do to Lessen Conflict Between Brothers and Sisters
Aug 27, 2009
Parents play an important part in the way kids see themselves and each other. By changing the way they perpetuate these roles, mothers and fathers can help their kids feel closer and have a happier family.
Long-lasting Bonds
Brothers and sisters are forever. At least, they'll likely know each other longer than they'll know their parents, spouses, or children. It's worth building a better relationship for siblings in the beginning of life. Parents can do this by avoiding many of the traps that fuel rivalry.
Harmful Sibling Roles
Usually, an older child is branded a "bully" by parents who don't realize the provoking that younger children do. They may see the bigger one hit or tease the younger one. What they don't see is how the younger one pesters, pressures, and pushes his big brother or sister into reacting.
Consequently, parents punish the "bully" and comfort the "victim." This leads to each acting out these roles again and again and parents treating one child harshly while favoring another. It's a set up for resentment between siblings and feelings of rebellion against parents.
Validate the Child's Feelings
To develop self-control in an older child, parents should notice the times when children are struggling to make healthy choices. Saying something like, "It must be tough to have a younger sister/brother like that" shows understanding and gives children permission to express their frustration in more appropriate ways.
To develop a backbone in younger children, parents should ignore manipulative behavior. If mothers and fathers stop defending little ones every time there is an altercation, younger children will learn to handle conflict by standing up for themselves or by leaving irate siblings alone. They won't instigate trouble if they aren't assured of coming out on top with mom and dad.
Each Sibling Needs Time Alone
It is healthy for everyone to have separate interests. Kids do not necessarily have to play together all the time. Parents should schedule one-on-one time doing things each child wants to do. Forcing older children to do homework together and letting younger children tag along when they go out just adds to feelings of resentment. Those big brothers and sisters will naturally develop feelings of warmth toward younger siblings and want to include them in activities if parents don't pressure them to do so.
Fighting in the Car
Family trips can become disasters when out-of-control conflict erupts. If this problem becomes habitual, drastic intervention may be necessary. Instead of threatening, lecturing and pleading, parents can turn the car around and return home. Some important points need to be followed to make this strategy effective:
- Spell out the consequences ahead of time. Everyone should know what to expect.
- Don't say "I told you so" or "If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't be doing this." Simply follow through.
- Say what you mean and do what you said you would do. If you aren't consistent, it won't work.
- Plan a trip for teaching this lesson. It may be too hard to interrupt a journey that has meaning for you. Most likely, one time will be enough.
By treating their "bully" with more kindness and using consequences that are firm and fair, parents can feel better about the relationships their children are forming with each other.
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