What are Cliques, and How Do They Affect Kids?

Learn How Parents Can Protect Kids From a Cliques' Harmful Effects

Oct 17, 2009

Anyone who has been excluded from a clique knows that it's an unpleasant experience. Adults can brush it off, but when children are excluded, it can cause emotional harm.

Young children form friendships naturally, spending time with other children they enjoy. However, as children grow and become more status conscious, they begin to gravitate to other kids who, for one reason or another, have characteristics they admire. By the time kids reach middle school, they're likely to have experienced either being in a clique, or being excluded from one.

What is a Clique?

Cliques are small, exclusive groups that have rigid guidelines, like being thin, playing on the varsity team, or dressing a certain way. They usually begin forming in around 3rd or 4th grade, and usually are at their worst between 6th and 8th grade, according to psychologist Michael Thompson in his book, Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems [Ballantine Books, 2002].

Kids gravitate to cliques – or are devastated by being excluded from them – because of their natural desire to fit in and be part of a group. Typically a clique is controlled by a leader who decides who is "in" and who is "out," and this leader dictates the everyday details of how the members of the clique live their lives – what brands of clothing or shoes they wear, what music to listen to, how they talk, where they hang out, or how they wear their hair. There's a great deal of pressure to follow these "rules," and kids in the clique are usually expected to do everything together, and not associate with kids who are outside the clique.

Cliques Evolve as Kids Grow Older

Cliques in elementary school are usually consist of just the more popular children. Once they reach middle school, kids begin to settle into an identity for themselves, so that most middle and high schools schools have several cliques – the jocks, the "goths," the druggies, the nerds, the hippies, the cheerleaders and the "emos," for example.

They typically have their "table" at lunch, and outsiders know better than to try and sit with them. And, if a child in the clique chooses not to follow one of the leader's rigid rules, she risks being ridiculed, harassed, or kicked out of the clique.

Cliques can promote socially destructive behavior; at their extreme, cliques harass other children based on their race, gender, appearance, grooming or personal hygiene, or even handicaps or disabilities. Children perceived by others as being homosexual are also often the target of harassment by cliques. This type of harassment causes a great deal of emotional harm for its victims, and is commonly known as bullying.

Being excluded from a clique can cause a child to feel lonely, ostracized and unwanted. She questions her appearance and her self-worth, and she wonders if she socially acceptable. Members of a clique might also be cruel to children who are less popular, less attractive, or whose family has less money than others. The victims of this cruelty – a form of emotional bullying – can become extremely shy, fearful of going to school or playing in the neighborhood, and even physically ill as a result of being tormented by the "cool kids."

Cliques can also cause problems for those who are in the group. Some of the problems clique members might experience are:

What Can Parents Do About Cliques?

Sadly, cliques aren't going to go away, and there's no way for parents to shield their kids from the influence of cliques. However, parents can help to minimize the impact cliques have on their children. Parents should communicate with their child about their own experiences with cliques growing up, and provide an opportunity for the child to vent her feelings.

They should help their children build a sense of belonging and inclusion by encouraging their involvement in a variety of social groups, such as church youth groups, sports teams, scouting, or music groups. And finally, they should begin while children are young to teach social values such as empathy, inclusion, loyalty, respect, individuality and kindness.

The copyright of the article What are Cliques, and How Do They Affect Kids? in Inter-Child Relationships is owned by Lori Nash. Permission to republish What are Cliques, and How Do They Affect Kids? in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.