What to Do When a Boyfriend Has Children
What is the Correct Stance For a Girlfriend to Take With His Kids?
Jun 22, 2009
Unless his children are very young, a girlfriend is going to have to win them over, and she needs to face the fact that it is going to be a long, hard, and uphill campaign. Don’t be fooled if they seem amicable initially; they are just looking for an adult ally to thwart their dad’s rules. When that doesn’t work, they are going to show their true colors, which usually resemble the shade of a storm cloud before lightening strikes.
The girlfriend is in the awkward and terrible position of seeing her boyfriend’s children at their worst and not having the cushion of unconditional love that makes parenting bearable. His kids have been through a divorce or the loss of a mother at some point, and, being kids, they are soothed by vast amounts of attention and a stable routine. A girlfriend throws a kink into both of those needs because Dad’s attention is focused away from them, and his girlfriend is an outsider, and therefore different.
Take a Background Role With a Boyfriend’s Kids
It is a good idea to stay away from a boyfriend’s kids except in the most perfunctory and innocuous circumstances. Go to the movies with them occasionally, take a walk in the park, and let them swim in the backyard pool. Don’t spend birthdays or holidays, vacations or even whole weekends with them. Every motherly role that a girlfriend fills is going to confuse or enrage them, and, until permanently ensconced as a boyfriend’s significant other, there just is no point to the aggravation such a situation stirs up.
Don’t Ever Babysit a Boyfriend’s Children
It’s likely that a boyfriend may ask his girlfriend to babysit his children, whether he has custody of them or just sees them every other weekend. Don’t fall into this trap. His children are not his girlfriend’s responsibility, and furthermore the children are going to report every single muscle twitch to their real mother. Furthermore, a boyfriend does not really appreciate the help; he’s going to take it for granted and come to expect his girlfriend to give up her free time to assume his parenting responsibilities.
Even nice men do this, and a smart woman doesn’t allow it to happen. His time with his children is precious, and she needs to point out that priority if he doesn’t see it. Also, his children are going to blame his girlfriend if she makes it too easy for him to abscond, and in a sense they should. She is butting into family business that is not hers to oversee, and she is going to reap the penalties if she persists. These penalties entail punishment for the authoritarian role she is required to take in her boyfriend’s absence, and authoritarianism is exactly what she needs to avoid unless she expects to nip this relationship in the bud.
When a girlfriend becomes the adult in charge, she is opening herself up to his children’s resentment, or to his children taking shameful advantage. Also, she is setting up differences of opinion and practice between her and her boyfriend’s parenting styles way before it’s appropriate to do so.
If a Boyfriend has Teenagers
If his children are teenagers, maintain even more distance. Teenagers are difficult under any circumstances, and if a woman is smart she’s going to avoid a commitment with her boyfriend until his teenage kids grow up. She shouldn’t fool herself into thinking that it’s going to be different for her because of her great love, or her skills, or her degree in psychoanalysis, or even 30 years of experience teaching in high school. Teenagers are always, to some degree or another, at odds with parents. The last thing an adolescent needs in his life is another adult who is also sleeping with the enemy.
A Girlfriend’s Role
Perhaps a woman has no children of her own, and she’s just dying to try out her mothering skills on her boyfriend’s children. Instead, shower that affection on nieces and nephews. Or get a pet. She needs to keep in mind that a dating situation is no time to test potential parenting mettle. Children like their father’s girlfriend to be the fun adult in their lives, not the parent and the consequent heavy hand.
A girlfriend needs to take the lead from her boyfriend with his kids, and gradually develop her own style in relating to them. She does this slowly, carefully, respectfully and thoroughly in the same way that she develops any new skill. Children are too important to deserve anything less.
