When Preschool Kids Argue Over Sharing a Toy
Positive Discipline Techniques to Teach Children Conflict Resolution
Aug 12, 2009
Toy sharing issues are common among preschoolers. When preschool kids argue over toys, parents and caregivers often want to “make” children share rather than teach children skills for sharing and skills for resolving conflicts. When adults continue to solve sharing issues for preschoolers, children don’t get to develop friendship skills and learn steps for conflict resolution.
Why Preschool Kids Argue Often About Sharing Toys
At age three, kids understand the concept of taking turns, but don’t often want stop their play and share toys with another child. Not sharing is a typical behavior for preschool age children. There is a huge difference between understanding the concept of sharing and following through by giving up what one really wants and acting cooperatively.
“Offering Limited Choices” – A Positive Discipline Technique
Children as young as three years of age can choose between two limited choices. When preschool kids argue over a toy, an adult presents two simple ideas that would solve a sharing issue for preschoolers and asks which one the child or children would like to try.
For example, an adult might ask a preschooler, “Would you like to sit with me while you wait for Kyle to finish playing with the xylophone or would you like to play the drum while you wait?” Both of the limited choices offered to the preschooler are respectful options.
Limited choices accomplish several goals in the teaching of friendship skills. Preschoolers get to hear two different solutions to a problem so they learn that there’s not just one way to solve a problem with a friend. Also preschoolers get to practice decision making skills because they get to weigh their options and choose the solution they like best. Appropriate limited choices also give a preschooler a small bit of influence over his life – a bit of healthy personal power that is important to the social and emotional development of a preschool aged child.
The “Wheel of Choice” Positive Discipline Technique
As Jane Nelsen explains in her article, 18 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles, adults and children can make a “Wheel of Choice” and draw simple visuals that represent ways to solve problems, such as “count to 10 to cool off”, “apologize”, “go to another game” and “talk it out”. Using a “Wheel of Choice” is similar to using limited choices, except there are more than two choices and the wheel has simple visuals so that pre-readers can see the choices.
Children, age four and older can use a “Wheel of Choice” as a conflict resolution tool for an argument over sharing a toy. At first, it’s helpful to introduce a wheel with only four choices and add more choices as children gain proficiency. Children will need adults to first model how to use a tool such as a “Choice Wheel”. As well adults will need to get on eye level and point out solutions that might work for toy sharing issues. At the age of three, children can benefit from watching older children and adults, use a “Wheel of Choice” to solve any kind of problem or conflict.
It can helpful for an adult to squat on eye level beside the two preschool kids arguing over a toy and calmly say, “Stop for a minute. I’ll hold the toy while you two calm down and use the “Wheel of Choice” to solve the problem” or “Hold on. I’ll put the toy up on this shelf. After you both calm down and decide how to solve the problem, let me know and I’ll get the toy back down.”
Teaching Children to Set Personal Limits
Another conflict resolution technique from Positive Discipline involves empowering children to set personal limits for themselves. If Jacob is playing with a toy train and Devan grabs the train engine, adults often set the limit by saying, “Devan, don’t grab the train. Jacob is playing with that.” But Jacob doesn’t get to learn or practice a prosocial skill if adults set the limit for him.
Parents and childcare providers can teach children to set personal limits by encouraging Jacob to talk directly to Devan. Jacob gets to practice setting personal limits if an adult said to Jacob, “Tell Devan, ‘Stop, you can play with the train when I’m finished.’” When Jacob uses his words, he is learning an important friendship skill – to set personal limits in a respectful way.
After teaching children simple tools to solve their own problems, parents and childcare providers will notice that they, as adults have to intervene less and less when preschooler kids argue over toys. Although using a “Wheel of Choice”, limited choices and coaching kids to set personal limits takes more time, adults will see that they are gradually handing over some conflict resolution responsibility to preschoolers.
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